The Return

I have successfully gained back the 15 lbs I lost last year. You see that? I used the word success to make it sound better but in reality it was a failure. I admit that life got busy and I resumed some of my bad habits all the while justifying it by saying that it's not as bad as before.

The cool thing is that God is still working with me, convicting me, forgiving me, and helping me to see overeating for what it is...sin. All is not lost. My focus is back on Christ and he will give me the strength to do what I need to do.

Let's go!

So...it's been awhile...

Basically I've been struggling with consistency in eating and exercising. I haven't been very disciplined lately and I am in no means on the right track.

Transformation first begins with repentance.

"Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion; it
haunts me day and night.
Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight."
-Psalm 51:1-4a

Time to get back on track. As my heart has been connecting with God more and seeking him out this past month with studying the 12 spiritual disciplines, I realize that I need to continue to honor him with my body, and that includes not using food for emotional comfort. Easy to forget when I'm traveling, frustrated, or going out to eat with friends who are moving away. May was a hard month. It seems like an overwhelming task to continue eating right and adjust my lifestyle again, but with God, all things are possible. As I was reading in Psalm 51 today, one verse really stuck out to me.

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey
you" Psalm 51:12

Lord, this is my prayer. Give me joy in you, and help me to be willing to obey you, especially in the areas of eating and laziness. Amen.

Success!

Easter has come and gone and I did not stuff myself like a piñata! This is huge for me! A few weeks ago God convicted me about how I was not spending time with him. I had been avoiding the scales for awhile too so finally I got on them and realized that when my focus was off of God, so was my desire to please him and fill up on him rather than overeating. And I had gained a few pounds. He brought me to the place of repentance and I now have been fighting hard to spend time with him everyday and continue to stay active. He finally got me back on track 2 weeks ago and it's been going well! Easter was a big test, as there was much food and desire to eat all of it. Instead I ate just enough and felt really good.

Praise God!

Day 60 - Testimony

Read my testimony below:

Emotional eating is something I have struggled with since I was young. When I celebrated with family and friends, I ate. When I was alone, I ate. When I was happy, sad, stressed or bored, I ate. After doing the Way of Purity course and seeing God eradicate that sin in my life, he showed me that I next needed to turn away from the sin of gluttony/overeating. I began The Lord's Table because I wanted to desire God more and learn to get rid of habitual sin that I had grown used to over the years. In this case, it was overeating.

Diets have never worked for me. I was not very disciplined and also it didn't fix the issues at heart. Diets always contradicted each other so I never bothered with them much. Instead of giving the glory to God, they tell us to work hard to 'fix' ourselves on our own and take all of the credit for ourselves. When I began this course, my focus was on myself and what I wanted to look like. I was nervous coming to The Lord's Table because I had failed with trying to lose weight in the past and was afraid I would fail here too. That was the problem. I was looking to myself instead of to God for the power to overcome sin. Through reading the Bible, praying, and doing the studies, God has shown me that I was using food as an idol. I looked to food to satisfy me instead of to Him. I was also guilty of the sin of laziness. I tried exercising many times, but because the weight didn't drop off as fast as I liked, I usually gave up soon.

When I first began The Lord's Table I had a hard time understanding that overeating is a sin. I didn't think it was good, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. That's how deep the sin was. Thankfully, over time, God granted me true repentance and helped me to see the sin through his eyes. This course was amazing because it helped me keep focus on God, really understand my sin, and find satisfaction in God. I was very encouraged by the lessons and by the testimonies and I am thankful for my mentor who was able to relate to my struggles and encourage because she had dealt with this sin as well. I confess that on the first day I was quite overwhelmed by the prospect of doing this study. It seemed that I would have to change for real, and I guess my sinful flesh did not like this prospect. The cool thing is that God guided me through it all and gave me the energy and desire to push forward in discipline and grow closer to him. I was very blessed to have my sister and mom doing The Lord's Table alongside me and we were able to encourage each other.

God has really shown me that I need to fight to spend time with him instead of letting the busyness of life distract me from Him. Staying in his word and growing in relationship with God is the only way I will ever be able to stay focused on him and not fall back into habitual sin. It's more than just something I should do as a 'good Christian'. It's what I NEED to survive this world. After completing this course I am so much closer to God and able to do more for those around me. I enjoy exercising and I look forward to my time with God. At meals I am able to enjoy God's blessing of food so much more, without needing to overeat. I have so much energy now and the weight continues to come off. But most importantly, I have a deeper relationship with God. Thank you Lord, for the amazing things you are doing in my life!

Day 53 - Fast Day

This a quote from Max Lucado that I read today that I thought was really good, especially in regards to the food issue.

...Your heart is a fertile greenhouse ready to produce good fruit. Your mind is the doorway to your heart—the strategic place where you determine which seeds are sown and which seeds are discarded. The Holy Spirit is ready to help you manage and filter the thoughts that try to enter. He can help you guard you heart. He stands with you on the threshold. A thought approaches, a questionable thought. Do you throw open the door and let it enter? Of course not. You 'fight to capture every thought until it acknowledges the authority of Christ' (2 Cor. 10:5, Phillips).

You don’t leave the door unguarded. You stand equipped with handcuffs and leg irons, ready to capture any thought not fit to enter. For the sake of discussion, let's say a thought regarding your personal value approaches. With all the cockiness of a neighborhood bully, the thought swaggers up to the door and says, 'You're a loser. All your life you've been a loser. You've blown relationships and jobs and ambitions. You might as well write the word bum on your resume, for that is what you are.'

The ordinary person would throw open the door and let the thought in. Like a seed from a weed, it would find fertile soil and take root and bear thorns of inferiority. The average person would say, 'You're right, I'm a bum. Come on in.' But as a Christian, you aren't your average person. You are led by the Spirit. So rather than let the thought in, you take it captive. You handcuff it and march it down the street to the courthouse where you present the thought before the judgment seat of Christ. 'Jesus, this thought says I’m a bum and a loser and that I’ll never amount to anything. What do you think?' See what you are doing? You are submitting the thought to the authority of Jesus. If Jesus agrees with the thought, then let it in. If not, kick it out. In this case Jesus disagrees.

How do you know if Jesus agrees or disagrees? You open your Bible. What does God think about you? Eph. 2:10 is a good place to check: 'For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do' (NIV). Or how about Romans 8:1: 'There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus' (NIV)? Obviously any thought that says you are inferior or insignificant does not pass the test - and does not gain entrance. You have the right to give the bully a firm kick in the pants and watch him run.

Let’s take another example. The first thought was a bully; this next thought is a groupie. She comes not to tell you how bad you are but how good you are. She rushes to the doorway and gushes, 'You are so good. You are so wonderful. The world is so lucky to have you,' and on and on the groupie grovels. Typically this is the type of thought you’d welcome. But you don’t do things the typical way. You guard your heart. You walk in the Spirit. And you take every thought captive. So once again you go to Jesus. You submit this thought to the authority of Christ. As you unsheathe the sword of the Spirit, his Word, you learn that pride doesn’t please God. 'Don’t cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance' (Rom. 12:3, Phillips). 'The cross of our Lord Jesus Christ is my only reason for bragging' (Gal. 6:14). As much as you’d
like to welcome this thought of conceit into the greenhouse, you can’t. You only allow what Christ allows.

One more example. This time the thought is not one of criticism or flattery but one of temptation. If you’re a man, the thought is dressed in flashy red. If you’re a female, the thought is the hunk you’ve always wanted. There is the brush of the hand, the fragrance in the air, and invitation. 'Come on, it’s all right. We’re consenting adults.'
What do you do? Well, if you aren’t under the authority of Christ, you throw open the door.

But if you have the mind of Christ, you step back and say, 'Not so fast. You’ll have to get permission from big brother.' So you take this steamy act before Jesus and ask, 'Yes or no?' Nowhere does he answer more clearly than in I Corinthians 6 and 7: 'we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever.... Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly--but only with a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them' (6:18; 7:1-2, MSG). Now armed with opinion of Christ and the sword of the Spirit, what do you do? Well, if the tempter is not your spouse, close the door. If the invitation is from your spouse, then HUBBA HUBBA HUBBA.

The point is this. Guard the doorway of your heart. Submit your thoughts to the authority of Christ. The more selective you are about seeds, the more delighted you will be with the crop."

— from Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado, Word Publishing 1998, pp. 177-182

Day 44 - Freedom in Passion - Liquid Day

Indescribable by Beckah Shae

I see You in the rain, like crystal glistening
I see You in the Son, like a fire blazing
I look up into the sky at night and see Your Glory
I’m humbled by a newborn babies cry
So pure, You are Holy!

There’s no other way to better say
Halleluiah! You’re Indescribable
Heaven and earth proclaim the glory of Your name,
Halleluiah! You are so wonderful
Master, Creator, God Halleluiah! Your indescribable
Awestruck by who You are
Halleluiah! You are so wonderful

I see You in the ocean
Your love is overflowing
I see You in the trees
dancing to the wind’s melody
I look up to the mountains
where the rocks cry
and I see Your face
I’m taken by a rainbow in the sky
cause it reminds me that I am safe

There’s no other way to better say
Halleluiah! You’re Indescribable
Heaven and earth proclaim the glory of Your name,
Halleluiah! You are so wonderful
Master, Creator, God Halleluiah! Your indescribable
Awestruck by who You are
Halleluiah! You are so wonderful

All heaven and earth
declare Your glory everywhere
Baruch shem kivod leolam va’ed
(Blessed be His glorious majestyforever and ever )
None could compare
All creation cries out Your name
for Your worthy of all praise
Barukh attah adonaimelekh m’hulal batishbachot.
(Blessed are You, Lorda King to be praised in adoration.)
You’re amazing

There’s no other way to better say
Halleluiah! You’re Indescribable
Heaven and earth proclaim the glory of Your name,
Halleluiah! You are so wonderful
Master, Creator, God Halleluiah! Your indescribable
Awestruck by who You are
Halleluiah! You are so wonderful

There’s no other way to better say
Halleluiah! You’re Indescribable
Heaven and earth proclaim the glory of Your name,
Halleluiah! You are so wonderful
Master, Creator, God Halleluiah! Your indescribable
Awestruck by who You are
Halleluiah! You are so wonderful

Day 30 - The Discontented Heart - Liquid Day

Below just says it all. Half way done and God is doing great things!

Numbers 11
The People Complain to Moses
11 Soon the people began to complain about their hardship, and the Lord heard everything they said. Then the Lord’s anger blazed against them, and he sent a fire to rage among them, and he destroyed some of the people in the outskirts of the camp. 2 Then the people screamed to Moses for help, and when he prayed to the Lord, the fire stopped. 3 After that, the area was known as Taberah (which means "the place of burning"), because fire from the Lord had burned among them there. 4 Then the foreign rabble who were traveling with the Israelites began to crave the good things of Egypt. And the people of Israel also began to complain. "Oh, for some meat!" they exclaimed. 5 "We remember the fish we used to eat for free in Egypt. And we had all the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic we wanted. 6 But now our appetites are gone. All we ever see is this manna!" 7 The manna looked like small coriander seeds, and it was pale yellow like gum resin. 8 The people would go out and gather it from the ground. They made flour by grinding it with hand mills or pounding it in mortars. Then they boiled it in a pot and made it into flat cakes. These cakes tasted like pastries baked with olive oil. 9 The manna came down on the camp with the dew during the night. 10 Moses heard all the families standing in the doorways of their tents whining, and the Lord became extremely angry. Moses was also very aggravated. 11 And Moses said to the Lord, "Why are you treating me, your servant, so harshly? Have mercy on me! What did I do to deserve the burden of all these people? 12 Did I give birth to them? Did I bring them into the world? Why did you tell me to carry them in my arms like a mother carries a nursing baby? How can I carry them to the land you swore to give their ancestors? 13 Where am I supposed to get meat for all these people? They keep whining to me, saying, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ 14 I can’t carry all these people by myself! The load is far too heavy! 15 If this is how you intend to treat me, just go ahead and kill me. Do me a favor and spare me this misery!"

Moses Chooses Seventy Leaders
16 Then the Lord said to Moses, "Gather before me seventy men who are recognized as elders and leaders of Israel. Bring them to the Tabernacle* to stand there with you. 17 I will come down and talk to you there. I will take some of the Spirit that is upon you, and I will put the Spirit upon them also. They will bear the burden of the people along with you, so you will not have to carry it alone. 18 "And say to the people, ‘Purify yourselves, for tomorrow you will have meat to eat. You were whining, and the Lord heard you when you cried, "Oh, for some meat! We were better off in Egypt!" Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. 19 And it won’t be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. 20 You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the Lord, who is here among you, and you have whined to him, saying, "Why did we ever leave Egypt?" ’ " 21 But Moses responded to the Lord, "There are 600,000 foot soldiers here with me, and yet you say, ‘I will give them meat for a whole month!’ 22 Even if we butchered all our flocks and herds, would that satisfy them? Even if we caught all the fish in the sea, would that be enough?" 23 Then the Lord said to Moses, "Has my arm lost its power? Now you will see whether or not my word comes true!" 24 So Moses went out and reported the Lord’s words to the people. He gathered the seventy elders and stationed them around the Tabernacle.* 25 And the Lord came down in the cloud and spoke to Moses. Then he gave the seventy elders the same Spirit that was upon Moses. And when the Spirit rested upon them, they prophesied. But this never happened again. 26 Two men, Eldad and Medad, had stayed behind in the camp. They were listed among the elders, but they had not gone out to the Tabernacle. Yet the Spirit rested upon them as well, so they prophesied there in the camp. 27 A young man ran and reported to Moses, "Eldad and Medad are prophesying in the camp!"
28 Joshua son of Nun, who had been Moses’ assistant since his youth, protested, "Moses, my master, make them stop!" 29 But Moses replied, "Are you jealous for my sake? I wish that all the Lord’s people were prophets and that the Lord would put his Spirit upon them all!" 30 Then Moses returned to the camp with the elders of Israel.

The Lord Sends Quail
31 Now the Lord sent a wind that brought quail from the sea and let them fall all around the camp. For miles in every direction there were quail flying about three feet above the ground.* 32 So the people went out and caught quail all that day and throughout the night and all the next day, too. No one gathered less than fifty bushels* ! They spread the quail all around the camp to dry. 33 But while they were gorging themselves on the meat—while it was still in their mouths—the anger of the Lord blazed against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague. 34 So that place was called Kibroth-hattaavah (which means "graves of gluttony") because there they buried the people who had craved meat from Egypt. 35 From Kibroth-hattaavah the Israelites traveled to Hazeroth, where they stayed for some time.

I am discontented with my life. A discontented heart is a big part of the problem with my overeating. I see it in my life. I have not been content with a lot in my life for many years now. I know it's wrong to be discontented with what God has given us and where he has put us, but I've still been struggling with it. At the beginning of this lesson, I actually read the whole chapter of Numbers 11 to understand what was going on. The illustration of the Israelites annoyed me and frustrated me. I could understand some of what God was feeling at that time. And then the lesson went on to talk about my discontentment. I couldn't even pretend to deny that I am discontent. God was speaking directly to me. In my discontentment, it's like I rejected the manna that God has provided, thinking I knew better and desiring something more. That's like a slap in the face to God and I didn't know. I'm not going to pretend that from now on I'm going to be content. This is something that God is changing in my heart, but I think I've finally hit that 'repentance' that I've been praying for. God has granted it to me. I can barely type because I'm still crying. It's good to understand how I've hurt God, but I know this won't be an overnight thing. The big thing that God has to work on in my life is discontentment. It's at the root of many of my struggles. Please pray that I will be open to what God is showing me and would learn to be content.